How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Where is the hickey?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
