we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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