she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
