my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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