on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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