hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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