Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
