I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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