If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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