did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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