My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
