Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize