I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Randomize
