the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I FOUND THE LEGS
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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