Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
