How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
