I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
