Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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