she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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