i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
