I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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