I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
