I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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