My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
