Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
