theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
