He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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