i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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