oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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