I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize