Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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