I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize