fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
