yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I look better un-naked...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize