The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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