Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
And then my night got REAL pukey
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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