shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
