last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
