I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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