Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
