My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
