drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
