A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I need a beard to bite.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
