his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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