Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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