I love black thongs
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
God I need to hump something, right now.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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