Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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