I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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