I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
