piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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