Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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