Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
