i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
