He asked me if I "almost moaned"
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
