New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Randomize
