If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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