Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
