My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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