God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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