You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
