I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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